To Give or not To Give

It is generally accepted that we have become a very permissive society, while at the same time we have become a very regulated society; both premises may sound incompatible, but the reality tells us otherwise. Parents give and give and give, while the state keeps a close eye on them, ready to pounce at the slightest hint of abuse. We must applaud of course when a careless mother is arrested for leaving her toddler in a hot car, as she clamors in her defense : "It was just for a  minute." We also applaud when children show a history of bone fractures obtained through parental physical abuse and the father or paramour ends up in jail. Strangely enough we don't applaud when an 8 year-old showing 200 pounds is dragged through the aisles of the supermarket and the parents are pushing two carts overfilled with junk food.. paid with food stamps in many cases.

Parents can go to jail if a teen claims abuse; while the case is investigated, the family suffers the social humiliation even when innocent. And yet we fail to act against mothers who fail to feed their children a balanced diet with the logical consequence of diabetes and heart attacks. The state often provides food stamps to people who don't need them, an abuse that goes unpunished. Among these, many illegal immigrants take advantage of our generous welfare system. Why should they work if they get everything they need? Housing, food, clothing, education, health care, are all free. Who can imagine such a paradise on earth in any other country in the world? Only here, where state and federal budgets can happily spend more than they have; politicians simply order more money to be minted unlike a working family which plunges into an ever growing debt.

The other side of the coin is the regulated society in which government tells us what to do, how to do it, and where to do it, and how much to do it. The state wants to license everything under the sun, from cutting nails to combing hair to painting a room. It is getting so ridiculous that
a city wants to license the sale of knives. It has truly become a nanny state (see prior URL). Why not regulate matches, cigarette lighters, rubbing alcohol, nail cutters, hammers, drills, etc..


We don't punish parents who overfeed their kids, or who fail to teach them manners, or ignore the importance of personal responsibility, thus setting the social model not to follow. We jail the mother of older teens who were drinking beer in her house with their friends, where she could keep an eye on them; we know that teens will drink alcohol, whether the legal age is 18, 21, or 51. The mother showed personal responsibility by recognizing that reality and protecting them.

Discipline is fast disappearing from American families. "I don't want to end up in prison," complained a mother who felt like slapping the face of an insolent daughter. Spanking a toddler in public is asking for trouble with CPS (Child Protective Services). Denying a sugary treat to your children in a supermarket is earning the visible condemnation of all present. Give them whatever they want to keep the peace. Let them watch television 4 hours a day without asking about the homework. "I'm too tired to argue with them," sighed a working mother.

The result is the lack of discipline across the board in young America: Discipline is the backbone of success, whether material, academic or spiritual. Ask colleges what they think about freshmen: poor English, deficient math, and scarce scientific knowledge are the consequence of a soft and comfortable education that does not require sacrifices and hard work.




We should learn from recent immigrants from developing countries, whether legal or not. They shame us by doing what we consider beneath our dignity and in the process they become rich.

Have we become too lazy by asking the state to give and give and give?

EDUCATION, A MATTER FOR THE STATES AND THE FAMILY

The Constitution clearly states that educating children is the exclusive domain of each individual state. I would add an important phrase:"and of the parents." A friend of many years recently complained to me that he was afraid that if he reprimanded his children the state would intervene and punish him. Such nonsense is the result of bureaucrats encroaching on our privacy and absolute right to punish our children as and when we see fit; the unwritten but well-understood rule is "without harming them."


Today's children know very well that CPS is ready to pounce on "unfit" parents and some of them blackmail their progenitors in order to obtain their wish. The problem is compounded by the laissez-faire attitude of many parents and the fact that so many kids come to an empty home after school.  Without a guide and a moral example at home, boys and girls tend to be influenced by older confused children and misguided peers. The television fare to which they suscribe for at least 4  hours a day certainly doesn't help them form a healthy criteria.


Many of today's successful and model citizens felt the caress of their dad's belt occasionally as children or the good spanking given by their loving mom. Fifty years ago, the corporeal punishment was routinely administered even in schools without any interference from the government. Nowadays, young people, with some notable exceptions, feel that they are entitled without having done the work to deserve it. "Give me" is a common phrase heard in many families rich or poor. In order to have peace at home, parents give in and satisfy the material request.


"Punish with love" is a phrase my mother often repeated as she metered out my well-deserved slap. That is the key that parents would do well to remember. A child is fully aware that he or she has misbehaved and that consequences must follow. That is just! Nothing riles up kids more than injustice; they complain loudly when their siblings seem to receive a more favorable treatment. A wise parent talks to all of them frequently and patiently, explaining the circumstances and the decision. Many teachers try to help parents in instilling moral values to their students. Only one big problem: They have between 25 and 150 kids to take care of every day. Nevertheless, their role as surrogate parents is essential in making a difference while there is a chance to mold a young mind.

Interference by the state government in family affairs should be limited to serious cases of criminal behavior such as leaving kids in a hot car, physical violence between parents, drug use, prostitution, sexual abuse and neglect. A simple phone call by an 11-year old claiming abuse should not result in a show of force by law enforcement and CPS. It should be handled discreetly, so as not to publicly humiliate innocent parents. We often forget that the media sometimes contributes to the public condemnation of innocent people by publishing their photos on the front page. Let us work with local agencies and law enforcement to determine whether a child has been criminally mistreated before we splash the case on the local television channel.


We have become a complacent nation with regard to education; we forget that kids need strict guidance and superior role models. We are limiting the power of parents and teachers to enforce discipline, a value that is essential in a successful adult life. It is natural for kids to test their boundaries, to explore, to talk back, to disobey their elders, to misbehave. We have to show them, with love and care, that there are limits and that society expects them to follow certain rules. Parents, teachers and local agencies should all work together to make sure the message is understood.