Good Marriage, Good Family..Under Fire

''A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.''  By Mignon McLaughlin

A good marriage usually ends up with a good family; barring mental illness o extreme circumstances, a happy, harmonious couple will produce happy, well-balanced, tolerant, sociable, and successful children. Judging by what happens nowadays in our society, people apparently get married to the wrong person. Actual weddings are less and less frequent and living together is more and more common. Divorces are up, and emotionally unstable children seem to grow in numbers, a fact that taxes our public and private schools. In short, marriage is no longer taken as seriously as it was 40 years ago. The reasons? There are many, but the key seems to be a generalized loss of social, ethical, and family values.

The Good, Very Good Old Days

In matters of discipline and values, I simply cannot imagine a better training than in the good old days. Call me old-fashioned (or just old) but I'll stick to my guns even if Dick Cheney threatens to waterboard me. Granted, many aspects of life in the 40's and 50's are considered unhealthy today and with reason. Smoking was in vogue, eating red meat tainted with banned insecticides was common for those who could afford it every day, polluting the atmosphere was not even in the vocabulary, abusive parents and priests went unpunished, the welfare safety net didn't work properly, excessive amounts of lead in the water endangered our lives, and, worst of all, we lived under constant threat of an atomic holocaust.

However, my parents taught me to be thrifty, to polish my shoes every day, to eat everything in my plate even if I didn't like it, to obey and respect my elders, to be honest - even brutally honest, to be tough in the face of adversity, to wash my hands before every meal, and especially to work hard, very hard. As survivors of the GD (Great Depression) and the rationing of the second world war, my mother and father knew very well the value of a penny saved after earning it with sweat and tears. I went to school either walking or on a bicycle, rain, shine, or snow. Both my parents occasionally slapped and/or spanked me when I deserved it and I thought at the time that it was perfectly O.K.

So when I travelled alone to America at the bottom of the Queen Elizabeth transatlantic and reached the tough shores of New York with $200 in my unpressed pants, I felt some trepidation of course but without losing the faith that I could survive in this strange land of skyscrapers (my first). I spoke some English which got me to the bus station and my next destination: Los Angeles. The year was 1959 and the Civil Rights movement had not fully developed yet. The lady who rented my first apartment made sure I was the right color before admitting that she had a vacancy. Of course, I had never seen a Black man or woman except in magazines and Hollywood movies. And wouldn't you know it, my first friends were precisely African-American, a married couple who were extremely helpful in my adaptation process.

Growing up without television was also a blessing, as I was "forced" to create my own "mental shows" through the numerous books I devoured as a child and a teen. Try telling your child that he/she can only watch 1 hour a day. "Mutiny on the Bounty" is nothing compared to wails of despair you'll have to endure. Video games? 1 hour a day, after homework, and I APPROVE THEM BEFORE YOU PLAY. Does this sound like a revolution in the making and you are the king and queen about to face the guillotine? But remember, you have the power: use it, with love and care. The rebellion will soon subside and peace will return. Their grades will improve and their future will shine more brightly. Isn't it worth it?

EDUCATION, A MATTER FOR THE STATES AND THE FAMILY

The Constitution clearly states that educating children is the exclusive domain of each individual state. I would add an important phrase:"and of the parents." A friend of many years recently complained to me that he was afraid that if he reprimanded his children the state would intervene and punish him. Such nonsense is the result of bureaucrats encroaching on our privacy and absolute right to punish our children as and when we see fit; the unwritten but well-understood rule is "without harming them."


Today's children know very well that CPS is ready to pounce on "unfit" parents and some of them blackmail their progenitors in order to obtain their wish. The problem is compounded by the laissez-faire attitude of many parents and the fact that so many kids come to an empty home after school.  Without a guide and a moral example at home, boys and girls tend to be influenced by older confused children and misguided peers. The television fare to which they suscribe for at least 4  hours a day certainly doesn't help them form a healthy criteria.


Many of today's successful and model citizens felt the caress of their dad's belt occasionally as children or the good spanking given by their loving mom. Fifty years ago, the corporeal punishment was routinely administered even in schools without any interference from the government. Nowadays, young people, with some notable exceptions, feel that they are entitled without having done the work to deserve it. "Give me" is a common phrase heard in many families rich or poor. In order to have peace at home, parents give in and satisfy the material request.


"Punish with love" is a phrase my mother often repeated as she metered out my well-deserved slap. That is the key that parents would do well to remember. A child is fully aware that he or she has misbehaved and that consequences must follow. That is just! Nothing riles up kids more than injustice; they complain loudly when their siblings seem to receive a more favorable treatment. A wise parent talks to all of them frequently and patiently, explaining the circumstances and the decision. Many teachers try to help parents in instilling moral values to their students. Only one big problem: They have between 25 and 150 kids to take care of every day. Nevertheless, their role as surrogate parents is essential in making a difference while there is a chance to mold a young mind.

Interference by the state government in family affairs should be limited to serious cases of criminal behavior such as leaving kids in a hot car, physical violence between parents, drug use, prostitution, sexual abuse and neglect. A simple phone call by an 11-year old claiming abuse should not result in a show of force by law enforcement and CPS. It should be handled discreetly, so as not to publicly humiliate innocent parents. We often forget that the media sometimes contributes to the public condemnation of innocent people by publishing their photos on the front page. Let us work with local agencies and law enforcement to determine whether a child has been criminally mistreated before we splash the case on the local television channel.


We have become a complacent nation with regard to education; we forget that kids need strict guidance and superior role models. We are limiting the power of parents and teachers to enforce discipline, a value that is essential in a successful adult life. It is natural for kids to test their boundaries, to explore, to talk back, to disobey their elders, to misbehave. We have to show them, with love and care, that there are limits and that society expects them to follow certain rules. Parents, teachers and local agencies should all work together to make sure the message is understood.