Let's Become Good Parents

I have noticed that some of my readers come from distant countries such as India, Latvia, and Russia. I thank them for taking the time and encourage all my visitors to leave a comment or e-mail. For example, the mother from Florida who was concerned about her children, now adults, who don't know how to act as parents and blame everybody else for their problems (See my article on a permissive society). Indeed, the "job" of making children is a lot easier and a lot more pleasant than educating them. As a teacher, I have to deal with parents on a daily basis and some of their observations sadden me enormously.

There is the grandmother who cares for three children because the father is in jail and the mother has a new "boyfriend." The State takes away parental privileges in these cases and a judge will eventually place the young siblings in foster care; I usually applaud the measure, though I am a bit concerned about a bureaucrat making such a crucial decision. Some adults do business with foster kids and fail to provide them with the most important element: love. Children who grow up without love and affection will usually fail to develop self-esteem. How can you love yourself when the important people in your environment don't? It means that you are not the kind of human being that can be or deserves to be loved.



In many cases, however, there is no gross negligence, no drugs, no jail; among affluent neighborhoods, some parents are too busy enjoying the social life to care for their children. The mother has her clubs, her friends, her charitable activities, the father must attend meetings till late at night, and while the kids lack nothing physical, they lack everything that counts: affection and loving care.
Children must eventually become responsible adults, a difficult task in a very permissive society. I have 18 year old students, too many, who still behave like 6 year old kids. They don't see the need to become responsible because they have everything they need (they think). The best way to make them age very quickly is unfortunately the military. I say unfortunately because they will be exposed to great danger. Why don't we ask ourselves why the Armed Forces succeed where we failed. Soldiers have to care for each other's back; they didn't learn that in civilian life. Soldiers have learned to obey orders, even if they disagree with them (with the exception of orders that clearly violate morality).

When I joined the Army many years ago, I knew that it wouldn't be easy to get along with so many different personalities, cultures, and races. I knew that some sergeants would abuse their power; but that's what real life is all about. When you learn to live in relative harmony with thirty men in the barracks, when you learn how to share responsibilities and dirty jobs, when you know that their life may be in your hand and vice-versa, you become a man.

Parents, while not sergeants, must heed that lesson and educate their children by instilling civic values, social mores, and a sense of personal responsibility. They can add what my top sergeant never could or wanted to give me: love. If you have to punish, make sure the child understands that you do it with love, not with anger. Be proud (and show it) when they do well; scold when necessary; teach always what an honorable man or woman is expected to do.

How can I not love my granddaughter?

EDUCATION, A MATTER FOR THE STATES AND THE FAMILY

The Constitution clearly states that educating children is the exclusive domain of each individual state. I would add an important phrase:"and of the parents." A friend of many years recently complained to me that he was afraid that if he reprimanded his children the state would intervene and punish him. Such nonsense is the result of bureaucrats encroaching on our privacy and absolute right to punish our children as and when we see fit; the unwritten but well-understood rule is "without harming them."


Today's children know very well that CPS is ready to pounce on "unfit" parents and some of them blackmail their progenitors in order to obtain their wish. The problem is compounded by the laissez-faire attitude of many parents and the fact that so many kids come to an empty home after school.  Without a guide and a moral example at home, boys and girls tend to be influenced by older confused children and misguided peers. The television fare to which they suscribe for at least 4  hours a day certainly doesn't help them form a healthy criteria.


Many of today's successful and model citizens felt the caress of their dad's belt occasionally as children or the good spanking given by their loving mom. Fifty years ago, the corporeal punishment was routinely administered even in schools without any interference from the government. Nowadays, young people, with some notable exceptions, feel that they are entitled without having done the work to deserve it. "Give me" is a common phrase heard in many families rich or poor. In order to have peace at home, parents give in and satisfy the material request.


"Punish with love" is a phrase my mother often repeated as she metered out my well-deserved slap. That is the key that parents would do well to remember. A child is fully aware that he or she has misbehaved and that consequences must follow. That is just! Nothing riles up kids more than injustice; they complain loudly when their siblings seem to receive a more favorable treatment. A wise parent talks to all of them frequently and patiently, explaining the circumstances and the decision. Many teachers try to help parents in instilling moral values to their students. Only one big problem: They have between 25 and 150 kids to take care of every day. Nevertheless, their role as surrogate parents is essential in making a difference while there is a chance to mold a young mind.

Interference by the state government in family affairs should be limited to serious cases of criminal behavior such as leaving kids in a hot car, physical violence between parents, drug use, prostitution, sexual abuse and neglect. A simple phone call by an 11-year old claiming abuse should not result in a show of force by law enforcement and CPS. It should be handled discreetly, so as not to publicly humiliate innocent parents. We often forget that the media sometimes contributes to the public condemnation of innocent people by publishing their photos on the front page. Let us work with local agencies and law enforcement to determine whether a child has been criminally mistreated before we splash the case on the local television channel.


We have become a complacent nation with regard to education; we forget that kids need strict guidance and superior role models. We are limiting the power of parents and teachers to enforce discipline, a value that is essential in a successful adult life. It is natural for kids to test their boundaries, to explore, to talk back, to disobey their elders, to misbehave. We have to show them, with love and care, that there are limits and that society expects them to follow certain rules. Parents, teachers and local agencies should all work together to make sure the message is understood.